12/24/2007 22:12

588 Merry Christmas!

So, the season is upon us once again. It's Christmas Eve, and if you're like me, you're probably sitting around asking a great big "so what?" Maybe you're trying to dredge up memories from ten or fifteen years ago, back when holiday cheer actually meant something to you. Maybe you're wondering when this magical time of year lost its allure and turned into a pain in the ass. Maybe you're hearing odd noises outside of your front door and you're tempted to holster up and go investigate. Or maybe you just don't care about this holiday nonsense, in which case, let's get married. There's a distinct period in most Americans' lives during which we believe that Christmas is about loving, and caring, and sharing. Gifts are exchanged and great feasts are undertaken. Some people even have the notion that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. We envision Santa Claus flying around the world in a sleigh powered by nine reindeer*, Rudolph and his red nose a shining beacon in the night sky. Santa slides adeptly in and out of chimneys, dropping off presents, drinking the milk and eating the cookies that were set out on the hearth. And if you're a really good little boy or girl, you left some carrots for the reindeer; they, too, are gone when you wake up Christmas morning. It's a holly jolly time. Halls are decked and sleigh bells ring. Then we turn 12, and realize precisely what this "holiday" is actually all about: securing profits for American retail outlets. It's no wonder the religious right is so in love with Christmas. Jebus equals money, and if I had a financial interest in the Jebus racket, I'd probably love Christmas too. Speaking of religious people, can you guys please stop pretending that there's some sort of assault on your faith each year? I keep hearing about how there's a "War on Christmas." Funny, I don't see it. I'm not a religious guy, and even I'm wishing people a merry Christmas. It's what we do when it gets to be late December. I send the stupid Santa emails back and forth among friends and coworkers and I don't try to deny that there's some sort of religious undercurrent to this holiday that's perpetrated upon me year after year. Yet every time Christmas draws near, there's no shortage of bible-thumpers hitting the airwaves proclaiming that the entire country is against them and their holiday. This year's been particularly bad, thanks to the release of some movie about a golden compass. I haven't seen it, I probably won't see it. I don't generally watch films which involve a religious theme of any sort, even if that theme is antithetical to mass-market religion. I never saw The Passion of the Christ. I never saw Apocalypto. I never even saw The Ten Commandments. But to hear the evangelicals speak, you'd think this compass movie was somehow put out there as a concerted effort to brainwash their innocent little children into considering the possibility that their god may not, in fact, exist. It doesn't seem to occur to these folks that maybe they're the ones indoctrinating the poor kids with fantasies and nonsense. If you're such good parents, why are you worried about a movie having such a profound influence on your crotch-fruit? Oh yeah - they know you lied about Santa Claus, so they might get curious about Jebus, too... The one thing I enjoy about Christmas is that it's always the perfect opportunity to point out the hypocrisy of the uber-religious. They teach their kids about Santa Claus, knowing full well that he's a fairy tale, that he doesn't exist, that he doesn't really fly around in a sleigh and come down the chimney. But they teach their kids about Jebus like he's as quantifiable as the guy nextdoor. Merry Christmas to all. *How the fuck an obese asshole flying around in a sled drawn by reindeer, defying the laws of gravity and physics, ties into Jebus or his birthday is beyond me. Aside from the part about being completely fabricated with zero basis in reality, which is just the sort of shit most religious types are happy to perpetuate.